My test results

About a week and a half ago, I was in between classes and checked my voicemail with the one minute I had to spare (usually I wouldn't but I saw the same number called twice so I wanted to make sure it wasn't an emergency)...and was caught very off guard with what I listened to. It was my genetic counselor, and he had my test results. I could immediately tell by the tone of this voice that it was...good news. Well, I was right - the results of my testing for the BRCA gene mutation were......negative! I can't explain the immediate weight I literally felt fall off of my shoulders, and the way I instantly breathed differently. Until that moment, I truly did not realize all I was carrying with me the last few months. I had plans with a friend right after my classes, and I didn't want to tell my parents over the phone...so I actually kept the information to myself for almost 24 hours! Didn't tell that friend or anyone...I am so glad I did that though, as it really helped me to fully process by myself, with no other input or reactions, just how significant it was. It was kind of nice to have it as my little "secret" for some time. It gave me a sense of peace and calm.... I felt so relieved and happy for the first time in a while.

Finally some good news. I say "good" news lightly though...anyone who has gone through this will understand what I mean by survivors guilt. It is hard to completely feel so happy about it, when it doesn't take away the fact that my mom is positive. It doesn't take away that she has to go through all these things that I am so happy I DON'T now have to. I still was excited though to tell my mom the next day, but also nervous because I felt bad (it is a natural feeling I know that many others in my shoes have had)...especially when the person you are telling is suffering from the effects of chemo and what the BRCA gene has brought upon her. When I told my mom, I could hardly get two words out before all this emotion came over me - I think that is the first time I have been overcome with such tears of happiness. I have never had that emotion before, and it was very weird - in a good way! My mom felt the same way and we both just let out all of the worry we were probably both holding inside...and it came out in very, VERY happy tears. My mom later said that my Dad keeps buying lottery tickets and is going to check them after her treatments are over, but she thought hearing my good news was like winning the lottery. I love that. AMEN!

I am so happy that I went through with this process, as it has made me a stronger person and taught me just how proactive I can be with my health. Even things on a smaller scale than genetic tests...simple things like being cautious of the foods you put in your mouth, or the amount of exercise you get each week. We all have the opportunity to take charge of our physical and emotional health. So do it. Be proactive. be aware. Go to the doctor. Of course cancer and illnesses can sneak up on anyone, and even the healthiest of people. And to that, I say f&^% cancer! That is what I like to say when I get angry about the C word. Sometimes there are just no words besides that.

I am glad I have this blog to document my journey, and to have to look back on for years to come. I hope another young woman out there googles the things I did a few months ago and comes across my blog. I hope it eases her worries, or at least reminds her she isn't alone. I hope it gives her strength and takes away some of the fear of the test or what may be. If I can help just one person, that is all that matters. And I hope to become a BrightPink PinkPal (www.brightpink.org) to help someone else, just like my PinkPal did for me. And if any of you out there are considering testing have any questions, and even on things I didn't discuss - please email me! I have probably researched and learned more than I'd like to admit!

I feel like I was given a second chance....before I ever actually lost a chance...if that makes any sense. I am so thankful for the strong circle of family and friends I am so blessed to have, who have helped me through this and who have leant a shoulder to lean on since my mom's diagnosis in January. Thank you for always listening :) XOXO

Jenny